Miscommunication in Relationships

Miscommunication in Relationships

Miscommunication is common in relationships. It occurs when there isn’t an open and honest conversation about what you’re feeling, expecting, or needing from your partner.

These thoughts and statements have one thing in common. We assume and fill in the missing information.

- She must be upset with me if she hasn’t returned my calls or text messages.

- If he isn’t very talkative during dinner, he must wonder if we should keep seeing each other.

- It’s been a long time since we’ve had sex. He must not find me attractive anymore. Or maybe he’s seeing someone else?

In each of these scenarios, we are missing our partners' thoughts. We aim to fill those gaps with what we assume they must think. Miscommunication occurs when we believe we know what the other person is thinking.

Understanding Mind Reading

Mind reading, a common phenomenon in relationships, is the belief that we can accurately discern what another person is thinking or feeling at a given moment. This miscommunication often stems from our natural inclination to fill in the gaps in our understanding. Unfortunately, we tend to fill these gaps with worst-case scenarios, assuming the worst about our partners and our relationships.

While it's a natural impulse, mind reading can have devastating effects on our relationships. We find ourselves in unnecessary conflicts, attacking the character of our loved ones based on misinterpretations. We often assume the worst, leading to a constant state of defensiveness. This not only hampers our ability to communicate effectively but also erodes the trust and intimacy in our relationships.

Assume the Best of Your Partner

Imagine a different approach. What if, instead of assuming the worst, we chose to assume the best about a situation when information is missing? What if we actively sought to understand our partners' thoughts and feelings, rather than trying to read their minds? This shift in perspective could lead to more open, honest, and effective communication in your relationship.

Practice Active Listening

Most of us listen to defend our viewpoints, but we should be listening to understand. When we listen to defend, we often interrupt one another, and things escalate. Listening to understand allows more space to think about your partner’s viewpoint. Active listening involves setting aside one's agenda, thoughts, interpretation, judgments, emotions, and the need to be correct. Instead, one focuses on understanding the other person's perspective and feelings.

You may still disagree, but your approach to discussing your disagreement becomes more apparent, and your partner feels more respected. Check-in with your partner and ask them what happened or why they said something. Sometimes, paraphrasing what you hear lets them clarify if you’re misunderstanding.

Believe Your Partner’s Explanation

After you ask your partner why they said or did something, listen and believe your partner’s words when they tell you the true meaning behind whatever they said or did. Then drop it. Admittedly, this is not always easy. You may be tempted not to believe their explanation. But when you don’t believe them, you say you know more about their thoughts, feelings, and motivations than they do, which is impossible. You have to assume that in a loving relationship, both partners want to hear and tell the truth as the basis for their healthy relationship.

Try Not to Attack

When we’re frustrated or angry, it's easy to launch into an attack on our partner, but this can only deepen misunderstandings because it forces your partner into a defensive position where they do not want to hear you or validate your feelings. Use “I statements” instead of you statements to express your feelings. For example, if your partner is late, you could say, “I feel unappreciated when you are not home on time.” It’s also helpful to avoid using words like “always” and “never,” such as “you never clean up” or “you always blow me off.” When you speak in broad strokes about your partner’s behavior, you give them little room to show improvement and derail the conversation away from compromise or progress.

The Consequences of Poor Communication

When couples communicate poorly, they often feel emotionally unsafe and disconnected. They feel frustrated, unimportant, and alone in the relationship. They don’t feel optimistic about the relationship's longevity because there seldom is the opportunity to repair and forgive past wounds or ongoing ones. This keeps couples stuck in negative communication patterns, making it difficult for them to relate to each other and work to resolve conflict. Improving communication in a relationship takes effort and intention. You can create a more open, understanding, and loving relationship by assuming the best of your partner, practicing active listening, believing their explanations, and avoiding attacks.